“I wish I didn’t constantly delete my messages in my voicemail…… then i would still hear you talking to me. I wish I didn’t go home that week in between summer sessions because then we could have hanged out like we normally would. I wish that when you called me on that Sunday, that I had asked you about your day and how you were doing……. You dont know how terrible I feel for not asking. I’m so sorry I didn’t ask. I wish I had talked to you longer but I had to go eat, I dont even know if you believed me. Maybe you thought i didn’t want to talk to you….. I still have your bird book. We were supposed to go bird watching remember?”
“Hey Luis, it’s okay, don’t beat yourself over it. I spent most of my time thinking that I could have been a better friend, about how many things could have been so much different if I weren’t so concerned with my own life. A part of me still wants to cry even now because there are days when I think about her and realize again that she’s not here with us.
I ask myself: what am I supposed to do now? It almost feels pointless to do anything without being able to tell her about it and see what she has to say. But there’s a point when I had to stop regretting the past. If Crystal knew I was crying all the time a couple of weeks ago, I think she’d feel very sad and guilty too. So instead, I do my best to look back at all the memories I had with her and laugh and wonder how I could have met such a wonderful person in my lifetime.
I no longer let my regrets become a crux for my guilt but an indication of her importance to me. My heart feels emptier with her gone but whatever part of my heart that used to fill that hole died with her. So that’s why I like to think that wherever she is now that she is not alone for a part of me will always rest with her.
I’m not sure what else to say but please continue being happy, if not for your sake right now, at least for hers. I’m sure she would prefer to see you happy.”
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